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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in The Tols' LiveJournal:

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Thursday, August 4th, 2016
7:08 pm
Thursday, April 21st, 2016
8:59 pm
Was it
My dreams invaded by an ancient longing the last few nights? Did i imagine it? Or, for just a moment could i feel you there again.
Thursday, January 1st, 2015
4:27 am
This New Years, maybe I try forgiving myself. Maybe it's time to stop using baggage to hold myself back or slow myself down. Maybe I owe that to myself above everything else in life.
Sunday, September 28th, 2014
7:11 am

I'm having more fun than ever previously in my life. It is, however, counterbalanced by an incredible sense of loneliness that I cannot shake.

At this point in my life I know how to fight Avery challenge I've come across except for the loneliness.

Saturday, August 23rd, 2014
1:45 pm
“Tropic of Cancer.”
“My world of human beings had perished; I was utterly alone in the world and for friends I had the streets, and the streets spoke to me in that sad, bitter language compounded of human misery, yearning, regret, failure, wasted effort. Passing under the viaduct along the Rue Broca, one night after I had been informed that Mona was ill and starving, I suddenly recalled that it was here in the squalor and gloom of this sunken street, terrorized perhaps by a premonition of the future, that Mona clung to me and with a quivering voice begged me to promise that I would never leave her, never, no matter what happened. And, only a few days later, I stood on the platform of the Gare St. Lazare and I watched the train pull out, the train that was bearing her away; she was leaning out of the window, just as she had leaned out of the window when I left her in New York, and there was that same, sad, inscrutable smile on her face, that last-minute look which is intended to convey so much, but which is only a mask that is twisted by a vacant smile[…]”
Excerpt From:
Miller, Henry. “Tropic of Cancer.” Grove Press, 1961.
Sunday, July 20th, 2014
11:58 pm

I was asked by a Goddess to love my enemy,
and so I begin to learn to love myself.

Wednesday, June 18th, 2014
10:26 pm

Everyone that terrifies you is
Sixty-five percent water.
And everyone you love is made of
And I know sometimes
You cannot even breathe deeply, and
The night sky is no home, and
You have cried yourself to sleep
Enough times that you are down to your
Last two percent, but

Nothing is infinite,
Not even loss.

And you are made of the sea and the stars,
And one day

You are going to find yourself again,

Thursday, June 5th, 2014
12:18 am

The bottle is drained and I can say now
That like a colander
The things I most want to hold on to
Slip right through

Finding what I seek is draining
And I am rusted and flaking away.

Wednesday, April 16th, 2014
12:05 am

Who to Be?

Adrenaline Rush
Powerful Experiences that linger, Remind me that life can be beautiful, show me the best aspirations of all beings, even at times when there is loss, setbacks and failures. Inspire me to greater understanding and knowledge of the universe from the individual and community to the stars and their orbits. Drive the powerful themes of my life to heart and invest in them.
Peak Experiences

New Experiences
Multi traditional - varying across multiple spiritual practices, cultures, forms of consciousness, geolocations.
Type of character I wish to inhabit: Courageous, Energetic, Enthusastic, Evolving, Ruggedly handsome, Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones with a dash of Yoda, Wilber, Krishnamurthi, Watts, Sagan, Voltaire,Tolsma, Neruda and Rumi
Accieveable, Positive, Goal Oriented, Trials and obstacles; not battles.
Deep, Meaningful, Honest, Challenging in positive ways, Beneficial, Warm, Friendly, Enduring, Thoughtful, Passionate & evolving, Reliable, Loyal in difficult times, Stimulating, PRESENT, Inspiring, Intelligent, aspiring, treasured, Compassionate, Remembered, Adventurous, Adrenaline, Small groups of excellent friends world-wide
Meditation/reflective without attachment to or obsession with emotions
Honest with self and others even when afriad/ashamed
Build Relationships & Communities
Self transcendence
Willing to Risk
Follow my Curiosities
Not to capitualate or fold when pushed
Forge ahead when obsticals arrise
Conduct self with integrity
To honor my truths
Not to feel shame unnecessarily
To give something,anything at all, full effort.
Confidence in being able to progress and being able to rebuild after failures
Explore my world and universe
View and exist within the natural world and ancient ruins rich with symbolism and relavance in both spiritual/metaphysical as well as scientific and art filled worlds.
Assist others
Build relationships and communities, compassionate and hard working, maybe at times dangerous or 3rd world, and others, tropical, metropolatin, or country homebody on the farm. Cultured volunteer/paid philanthropist if not monied
More compelled to visit relatives when in town or country, and have more to offer them all
Genuine helper
Enough money to subsist on wherever I end up (peace corps? non-religious aid work? medicine, basic solar technology and satlite or wireless/wired networking setup. Hand crank, solar and stationary cycle generators/charging stations for devices. All opensource hardware/software, programming books & access to Wikipedia as well as basic engineering instructional documents for building wind generators out of local products (recyle plastic to use in 3D printers? Could 3D print parts and tools/useful items
Research so that the right places and right times align with the right people & settings
Unity of purpose, Peak moments and philosophical/spiritual/personal evolution breakthroughs
Joyux Deverve
Breaking conventions
Against the Grain/Status Quo
Peak Experiences
Time to absorb, process, integrate & savor
Journal or Blog
Allow experiences to inspire/educate/challange and enhance me without shame
Quiet, contemplative time with meditation
Allowed to see and, be well satisfied with, my life context / importance of existance
Not controlled by emotions/moods
Need pride in identifiable accomplishments as well as time, patience, focus on strategising recoveries from failures and losses
Significant and Present
Lack of attachment to changing the past, take life as lessons.
Plan self improvements

No more chasing the void. It will arrive when it will arrive, and it will not be tempted.

Fuck expectations and conventions. I'm all in for my own growth.

Tuesday, March 11th, 2014
11:50 pm

There must be a Russian word to describe what has happened
between us, like ostyt, which can be used
for a cup of tea that is too hot, but after you walk to the next room,
and return, it is too cool; or perekhotet,
which is to want something so much over months
and even years that when you get it, you have lost
the desire. Pushkin said, when he saw his portrait by Kiprensky,
"It is like looking into a mirror, but one that flatters me."
What is the word for someone who looks into her friend's face
and sees once smooth skin gone like a train that has left
the station in Petersburg with its wide avenues and nights
at the Stray Dog Cafe, sex with the wrong men,
who looked so right by candlelight, when everyone was young
and smoked hand-rolled cigarettes, painted or wrote
all night but nothing good, drank too much vodka, and woke
in the painful daylight with skin like fresh cream, books
everywhere, Lorca on Gogol, Tolstoy under Madame de Sévigné,
so that now, on a train in the taiga of Siberia,
I see what she sees -- all my books alphabetized and on shelves,
feet misshapen, hands ribbed with raised veins,
neck crumpled like last week's newspaper, while her friends
are young, their skin pimply and eyes bright as puppies',
and who can blame her, for how lucky we are to be loved
for even a moment. Though I can't help but feel like Pushkin,
a rough ball of lead lodged in his gut, looking at his books
and saying, "Goodbye, my dear friends," as those volumes
close and turn back into oblong blocks, dust clouding
the gold leaf that once shimmered on their spines.

Friday, January 3rd, 2014
7:56 pm
When you dip her in the middle of the dance floor, it is the color of her dress. When she whispers in your ear, it is the color of her lips. When you make love it is the trace you want her to leave all over your body. When she places her palm over your heart, it is the color that comes to the surface as her fingertips trail like a sentence that can never be finished. When you see her in your bedroom with another, it is the color of your breath. When you smash the vase in the hall, it is the color that threatens you to abandon the shattered pieces. When you scream at the top of your lungs, it is the color that pierces the atmosphere. When she hears you, it is the color of her pulse. When you look in her eyes for the last time, it is the fading color of your heart falling to your knees. It is not the color you see when she leaves.
Sunday, December 29th, 2013
2:27 am

I touch hatred like a covered breast;
I without stopping go from garment to garment,
sleeping at a distance.

I am not, I'm of no use, I do not know
anyone; I have no weapons of ocean or wood,
I do not live in this house.

My mouth is full of night and water.
The abiding moon determines
what I do not have.

What I have is in the midst of the waves,
a ray of water, a day for myself,
an iron depth.

There is no cross-tide, there is no shield, no costume,
there is no special solution too deep to be sounded,
no vicious eyelid.

I live suddenly and other times I follow.
I touch a face suddenly and it murders me.
I have no time.

Do not look for me when drawing
the usual wild thread or the
bleeding net.

Do not call me: that is my occupation.
Do not ask my name or my condition.
Leave me in the middle of my own moon
in my wounded ground.

- Neruda

Wednesday, December 4th, 2013
11:54 pm

Odi et amo. Quare I'd faciam. Fortasse requiris. Nescio. Sed fieri sentio et excrucior.

Tuesday, December 3rd, 2013
12:51 am

I sit and I write and I write.
42 origami boulders
32 paper airplanes
14 zen tangles
7 sheets of snow
12 magic carpets embroidered with words
Float their way to the bin.

Weary hands cease, exhausted from effort, sore from exertion.

The eyes are the brains mouth and I am famished still.

Stop and drink in Catullus.
Chew over Antonio Machado
And finally find myself full for a moment at Rimbaud.

Sleep whispers lustily for me.
Playfully insinuating I never make time to indulge
Her day long fantasies anymore

Thinks that I don't appreciate her as much as I do a litany if other selves I had forgotten existed.

My precious MOOCs she claims I love more than her gentle ripostes.
As do I also evidently in jiujitsu, driving myself to Chicago and Detroit and anywhere else I can lose myself in life.

My words too she claims she finds me fondling when I ought be feeling her creep in half lidded in sensual smile.
Unruly and in need if discipline as I may be, I'll always eventually have to make time for she.

Saturday, November 30th, 2013
8:33 pm
This much I'm certain of: it doesn't happen immediately. Maybe you'll finish a book and that will be that, until a moment will come, maybe in a month, maybe a year, maybe even several years. You'll be sick or feeling troubled or deeply in love or quietly uncertain or even content for the first time in your life. It won't matter. Out of the blue, beyond any cause you can trace, you'll suddenly realize things are not how you perceived them to be at all. For some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. You'll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more importantly shifts in you. Worse, you'll realize it's always been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. But you won't understand why or how. You'll have forgotten what granted you this awareness in the first place
You might try then, as I did, to find a sky so full of stars it will blind you again. Only no sky can blind you now. Even with all that iridescent magic up there, your eye will no longer linger on the light, it will no longer trace constellations. You'll care only about the darkness and you'll watch it for hours, for days, maybe even for years, trying in vain to believe you're some kind of indispensable, universe-appointed sentinel, as if just by looking you could actually keep it all at bay. It will get so bad you'll be afraid to look away, you'll be afraid to sleep.
Then no matter where you are, in a crowded restaurant or on some desolate street or even in the comforts of your own home, you'll watch yourself dismantle every assurance you ever lived by. You'll stand aside as a great complexity intrudes, tearing apart, piece by piece, all of your carefully conceived denials, whether deliberate or unconscious. And then for better or worse you'll turn, unable to resist, though try to resist you still will, fighting with everything you've got not to face the thing you most dread, what is now, what will be, what has always come before, the creature you truly are, the creature we all are, buried in the nameless black of a name.
And then the nightmares will begin.

These are the things my nightmares are teaching me:
1) People will only ever care for what they can get from you.
2) Life is about what you can do, not who you are.
3) You have to produce something beneficial to be of value in relationships or otherwise.
4) Love is only given and can only be received by those who do things. It is the reward for the doing. People who don't do anything tend to hate themselves for that fact.
5) Improvement is unrelentingly painful and uncomfortable. That's the secret Aeschelyus was passing on. Wisdom is only born of torturous suffering. For so long I had misinterpreted what was starring me right in my stupid face and directly into my dull primate eyes.

I fought against the suffering, believed the suffering was something to avoid, not to embrace. I used to believe it was enough just to 'be'. To exist and observe and support others with no regard for myself.

This is what I have learned from my nightmares. May your smile remain forever the nightmare in my back pocket.

Time has come to research what to do with myself now that I know, and worse, that I know that I know.
Sunday, September 15th, 2013
10:52 pm


Tuesday, June 14th, 2011
2:58 pm
Sometimes livin’ in a world like this,
It’s pretty hard not to go insane,
Not pretty if you don’t comply,
Pretty easy if you don’t complain,
Stand there like you don’t feel pain,
No tears in the face of defeat,
Pretend to the end that you don’t fear change,
Don’t admit it that your faith is weak,
Don’t say that you feel like dying,
Life’s hard and it feels like diamonds,
Go home, shit’s far too gone,
Much too late to even feel like trying,
Can’t understand what I’m saying,
Can’t figure out what I’m implying,
If you feel you don’t want to be alive,
You feel just how I am
I’m on the dark side,
And you can’t come find ‘em
How? when it’s light all around you,
Yeah but it’s dark on the inside,
No win when it’s me against me,
One of us just ain’t gonna survive,
My heart been broke for a while,
Yours been the one keeping me alive

This world’s such a fucked up place,
My mind’s in such a fucked up shape
Everything down here sucks,
Maybe what’s up there is great,
We all gotta go one day,
I just wanna cut to the chase,
I wanna stop these nightmares,
I just wanna touch your face,
All you see is all my feats,
All I see is all my flaws,
All I hear is all my demons,
Even through your applause,
All you see is all my flights,
Well all I see is all my falls,
All you see is all my rights,
All I see is all my wrongs,
Door, keep telling me to fight
Gun on my table telling me to come home
Telling me to to put him inside my hand
Then put it up right next to my dome
Door keep telling me to find a reason
Anything to keep me from squeezing
Simplest things yeah you really like summer
You really like music you really like reading, love
I can’t win if it’s me against me
One of us ain’t gonna survive
And my heart been broke for a while
Yours been the one keeping me alive
Thursday, March 25th, 2010
3:08 am
I used to be a Republican. . . I even voted for W. Bush the first time. After seeing what the Republicans/Tea-pary is devolving into, I'm really glad I got out when I did. An America where unhappy constituents/activists threaten violence against those who hold different ideas is not my vision of America. An America where unhappy constituents hurl hateful derogatory racial/sexual ephitets at duly elected members of our government is not my vision of America either. Hunting these representatives down and breaking their windows is earily reminiscant of what the Nazis did around WWII, it may not be the same as Krystalnacht, but I won't lie, it IS the first thing that comes to mind, along with similar examples of the violence commited durring the Civil Rights movement. I understand you are angry, and hurt, and the way the media covers things practically encourages these sorts of activities. . I know this, but you must know thatit does not excuse, and nothing can condone such activities.

Come back to us, come back to the land of sanity, where reasonable debate can be had and yes, while the majority rules, the minority is also afforded rights, where your serious and fully thought out ideas of fiscal responsability can be laid out and judged on their own merrit. Putting your future in the hands of those who spout paranoia, racism, xenophobia, bad faith, and empty rhetoric helps no one, least of all yourselves. Ask yourself this: What can be gained by treating eachother like unwanted step children? When called in to dinner from playing the child with dirty hands washes them, and upon doing this is called a waster of water, or if the child does nothing, called dirty. A wise man once said that, "Closed minds do not make for open hearts." and "an eye for an eye would leave the whole world blind."

We should be acting like the great people we are, NOT as two children bickering over slights that should be long forgotten, holding grudges that beget violence which in future generations will only beget more violence. We are supposed to be Americans, we are supposed to be recognising the inherent value of all of our fellow men and women and children regardles of RACE, CREED, RELIGION (or lack there of), POLITICAL AFFILIATION, and yes SEXUAL ORIENTATION. We should be fighting ignorance together with education. We should not be revising history, we should be MAKING IT TOGETHER.

Current Mood: contemplative
Monday, March 22nd, 2010
1:16 am
Kind of funny, yet true. .
Democrats: "We need health care reform"
Republicans: "Liberal fascists! Americans are tired of partisan politics!"
Democrats: "OK, let's compromise"
Republicans: "OK, get rid of half your ideas"
Democrats: "Done"
Republicans: "Too liberal, get rid of half your ideas"
Democrats: "Done"
Republicans: "Too liberal, get rid of half your ideas"
Democrats: "Done"
Republicans: "Too liberal, get rid of half your ideas"
Democrats: "Done"
Republicans: "Too liberal, get rid of half your ideas"
Democrats: "Done. Time to end debate"
Republicans: "Too liberal, we need more debate, we will filibuster to prevent you from voting"
Democrats: "OK, we'll vote--sorry guys, debate is ended. It's time to vote on the bill"
Republicans: "Too liberal, we vote no"
Democrats: "OK, it passed anyway--sorry guys."

One month later

Republicans: "Wait--wait, OK, we have less of a minority now so we can filibuster forever."
Democrats: "Sorry, the bill already passed, we need it to pass the House now"
Republicans: "But we have enough to filibuster"
Democrats: "Sorry, the bill already passed, we need it to pass the House now"
Republicans: "Liberal fascists! You haven't listened to our ideas! You've shut us out of this whole process!"
Democrats: "Sorry, show us your proposal"
Republicans: "Smaller government"
Democrats: "That's not very specific"
Republicans: "OK, here's our detailed proposal--It's our common-sense ideas we spent 12 years not enacting"
Democrats: "OK, we'll add a bunch more of your ideas"
Republicans: "Liberal fascists! You included all these back-room deals"
Democrats: "OK, we'll get rid of the back-room deals"
Republicans: "Liberal fascists! You're using obscure procedural tricks to eliminate the back-room deals!"
Democrats: "No, we're using reconciliation, which both parties have used dozens of times for much larger bills"
Republicans: "Liberal fascists! You're pressuring Congressmen to vote for your bill! Scandal!"
Democrats: "It's called 'whipping', it's been done since 1789"
Republicans: "Liberal fascists! Can't you see the American people don't want this?"
Democrats: "This bill is mildly unpopular (40-50%), doing nothing (your proposal) is extraordinarily unpopular (4-6%)"
Republicans: "We need to start over! We need to start over!"
Democrats: "We should really consider voting--"
Republicans: "Liberal fascists! Start over! Clean slate! Common-sense! America!"
Sunday, February 15th, 2009
12:38 am

History flows thick like wine through these mortal veins.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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